Emmy Crossum: Emmy Rossum / Crow Parody short story

What dis be'bout?

Emmy climbed out of her own grave. Some terrible men had raped and killed her. With the guidance of Tom Hanks Bird Face, she hunts the men down and exacts sweet revenge; then, the story goes where all good stories go, involving demons and hot tubs.

Here, read'a bit'a it...

Dirt Under the Nails

The rain beat like shit. Soggy puddles littered the cemetery’s lawn. Lightening cracked. A bright razor of light struck the top of the headstone.

The sound of rain overpowered everything. The ground in front of the headstone moved. Pale fingers broke its muddy surface. A hand emerged and strained for the sky.

What the fuck? She asked herself.

A woman clawed her way out of the wet earth. She wore a white dress which was a sodden mess.

The woman wretched her body from her own grave. Labored breaths pulled at her chest. She rested on all fours and caught her breath. Strings of jet-black hair hung in strings over her face and shoulders.

“What? Where?” the word slipped from her lips like decomposed noodles.

CRACK! Lightening lit the world in a bright flash. The boom of thunder made her jump.

The woman raised her head and looked at the world.

Her mind raced as her eyes darted around this wet place. Where…? Trees… who… graves? Emmy; a name… my name. A cemetery. I died… I died? Rape. Men raped me… they raped me.

Emmy Rossum collapsed onto the earth. She cried and curled into a ball on her side.

“BEA-KAH! Come on now, girl. Get yourself up,” a voice said.

Emmy looked up.

“That’s right, girl. No time fer no cryin’. Stand on up. We have things to do.”

She followed the voice till her eyes came to rest on a black crow which sat in the leafless black tree.

“Did you…?” It couldn’t have spoken; could it have?

“Yeah girl,” the crow said, “Lets get ta’ work.”

The black crow had Tom Hanks’ face CGI-ed onto the birds. Tom Hanks Bird Face beat its wings and took flight. He landed on the headstone next to the shivering girl.

“You talk?” Emmy asked. She had her arms wrapped over her chest.

“Yes, I most certainly do. Now, some people went and killed yer ass. I’m here ta’ help you get revenge.” Tom Hanks Bird Face smiled with his Hollywood bird lips. Yes sir, love me these roles where I get ta work with these hot ass actresses. Sure nuff. That dress’a hers, all wet and clingy, don’t hide a damned thing. Those tits a’hers could kill.

“Okay,” Emmy said, “I’m ready for revenge.”

“Cool,” Tom Hanks Bird Face said, “Follow me.” He took flight through the dark downpour. His desperate black wings beat feathery pulses.



I write the weirdest shit. Adult swim, Rick and Morty, Family Guy? They ain't even on'da same planet as me. I'm rewriting fiction; till fiction don't even know itself no more. Check it out or don't- I got more shit to do.



"Da'yum! Need money fer booze and drugs. White Bread needz'ta finance himself a hot tub'n shit; bitches ain't cheap, ya hear?"

-Bridget Chase 2019-